Party on Down…

At the Comic Casts 1 year birthday party in the Twisted Pepper in Dublin! I shall be attending, along with the lovely Meredith. You should totally come too!

Warning: I fully intend to get down and anyone who tried to get in the way had better bloody well watch themselves.

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Peering into the Abyss – The Worst of the Internet This Week

Michael Jackson:

The following comment “Michael Jackson is dead?!?!?!?!? Why wasn’t I informed?!!?!?! Lolzlolzlolz!” broke all manner of internet records by becoming the satirical weapon of choice for cretins all over the world this week in the aftermath of MJ’s untimely passing.

If you wrote a comment like that (and you did, didn’t you , you cretinous little shit) then you probably imagined the reader thinking something like this in between fevered gasps of breath between laughter.

“You don’t know he’s dead? But the coverage is everywhere! Practically omnipresent, how could you not… oh, oh I see, you’ve employed irony to extract humour! Genius. You had me for a second there, you anonymous prankster!”

When in actual fact it more than likely elicted this response.

“What a cunt.”

Not a cunt in a “I can’t believe he went there” kind of way. No, just a cunt in the normal garden variety Comment Monkey Dumb-Dumb Squad kinda way.

It probably isn’t your fault. It sounds like it should be a syndrome.

RTE Website Hacked

If it turns out that's Lucy Kennedy, is it still sexy?

If it turns out that’s Lucy Kennedy, is it still sexy?

Boy Turns into Werewolf

Or at least that’s how this should have ended.

Wanted: Lazy Marketing Junior with Little to No Shame

Picture 2

So… Moher Man, is it? We can do better then that though, right? How about Paddy the Happy Go Lucky Leprechaun from the small village of Ballygo-aw-sure-aren’t-ya-great-craic-altogether in Co. Cliché?

Only Seven Days Ta’ Go!

Lil’ Aul Ireland.

Cast Yer Vote

Go On Ya Good Thing!

Just 4 reasons why this ad should never have left the repressed brain of the marketard who came up with it. Why stop at that cliché Paddywackery though? Where’s “Top O’ The Morning To Ya!”? Or, “May the Road Rise in Front of You and have the wind always at your back etc, etc?” or “Jaysus Mary, Oim awful sorry Oi bate ya round dah choppers Oi was too busy drinking Guinness, being a stereotypical New York police officer and atin’ a potatoe. Fuck the British!”

If it was any lamer the fucking Ray D’Arcy show would be behind it because, fucking hell, if ever there was an ad written to appeal directly to those people who text into Ray D’Arcy called John in the Truck to Galway and Mary Dancing Around the Kitchen with her Two Year Old, it’s this fucking shit.

Never mind the fact that having a public vote for these things is absolutely idiotic. The public knows nothing, never has, never will. When will people get this? In fact, if you’ve ever voted for A Nation Once Again for Worlds Best Song, or Ronnie O’ Brien for Time Man of the Year thinking “sher wouldn’t it be a mad ‘oul laugh if it won, tiddly idle oh!” then you can be pretty sure that you’re an absolute cretin of the highest order.

This is how science should test for cretinism, actually. I’ve stumbled on a cunning plan. Send an email around to everyone in the country to vote for Johnny Logan (lol!) for the BBC All Time Man of the Ages competition (lolz lolz) because, it’d be like, a laugh and stuff? Plus, you know, fuck the queen and all that. Then, when Seamus from Ballindrinky fills out the form (for he is unable to resist avenging Britains 800 years of oppression of Ireland through the medium of skewing public votes in British survey) an email will be sent to some stern faced scientists who will collate the results. The result being, that Seamus is a cretin.

Then they can go to his house and castrate him or something. I’m not a doctor.

6 Degrees of Separation

Micheal Jacksons dead. You might have heard, I think it was in the news there a few days ago.

Anyway, I was talking to the wife about it and she said that she was 1 degree of separation away from Michael Jackson. What the shit? My wife, the lovely Meri, dated Shane Culkin (oldest brother of Macauley Culkin) back in the day. Even got invited to a motherfuckin’ Culkin family vacation that fuckin’ Michael Jackson was going to be at.

“Do you know what this means!?” I hear you scream, spraying spittle at the computer monitor and clubbing your cloven fists on the keyboard, “that means you’re only TWO real degrees of seperation away from Michael Jackson!!!!111!!!”

Believe me, I know. Now I don’t want to hear about your bullshit degrees of separation away from the King, like you once saw someone who really looked like him while Billie Jean was totally playing on the radio or went to see him in concert or any of that old shit.

I’m now The Man.

That is all.

The Abyss will not help you…

More search term madness from the internets general population. Some poor soul arrived at the Abyss today with this gem.

“i can’t stop pooping today”

Man, are you in the wrong place.