Tag Archives: What the fuck?

“The Lemon and Lime are Locked in What Appears to be a Carnal Encounter”

Picture 2God bothering simpleton Simon Simpkins made it into the press for his allotted 15 minutes this week when he complained in bitter whiny tones about the above sweet wrapper. 

“The lemon and lime are locked in what appears to be a carnal encounter. The lime, who I assume to be the gentleman in this coupling, has a particularly lurid expression on his face.”

Nice. Girl on top, lime, you fucking legend.

That’s not even the best part though. He actually complained about this in a shop and…

“I demanded to see the shop manager and, during a heated exchange, my wife became distressed and had to sit down in the car park.”

I can see the headlines now.

HARIBO LIME SWEETS MIND RAPED MY WIFE UNCONSCIOUS!

A Day of Annoooooouncements! !!!! !!!!!!!!

Firstly, the Abyss will be winging it’s way around the country for its first run on September the 25th 2009! And about bloody time too, says my wife every day.

But you knew that, right? Surely 12 exclamation marks in the title can’t just be for something we already know, can it? It’s not.

Announcement Number 1.

Looseville is gone. Dead. Retired. Put away in a shiny box for safe keeping until I bring out the Looseville Anthology next year. It’s been sent away for printing today to the far off land of the Orient. More details on that when I have them to send out.

Announcemente Numero Dos!

Full Metal Gentlemen, my collaboration with the hairiest man you’ll ever meet, ever, Niall Duggan continues apace. I’ll have some examples to show you all on here in a few weeks once I’m happy with them. I’ve just started with my Wacom tablet and at the moment I’m as green as baby goat shit on it.

ANNOUNCEMENTAILLE NUMBER TRIO! SNELL! SNELL!

Picture 2

It’s my new weekly webcomic, Whale V Squid! It’s a comic that I’ve been wanting to do for a long time so I’m taking the plunge. After finishing the Abyss I found myself really eager to do a webcomic again, so I went and did around 40 comics and we’ll be having a sexy launch party in September in Cork probably, but don’t rule out Dublin either you sexy smog rockets.

So, for anyone keeping count that’s:

I love the internet.

I hate the internet.

I love it again.

I hate it again and I’m never coming back.

I want to be friends with the internet and we’ll see how it goes.

6 Degrees of Separation

Micheal Jacksons dead. You might have heard, I think it was in the news there a few days ago.

Anyway, I was talking to the wife about it and she said that she was 1 degree of separation away from Michael Jackson. What the shit? My wife, the lovely Meri, dated Shane Culkin (oldest brother of Macauley Culkin) back in the day. Even got invited to a motherfuckin’ Culkin family vacation that fuckin’ Michael Jackson was going to be at.

“Do you know what this means!?” I hear you scream, spraying spittle at the computer monitor and clubbing your cloven fists on the keyboard, “that means you’re only TWO real degrees of seperation away from Michael Jackson!!!!111!!!”

Believe me, I know. Now I don’t want to hear about your bullshit degrees of separation away from the King, like you once saw someone who really looked like him while Billie Jean was totally playing on the radio or went to see him in concert or any of that old shit.

I’m now The Man.

That is all.

“The Current Days of the Internet May Soon Be Over”

Rupert ­Murdoch expects to start charging for access to News Corporation’s newspaper websites within a year as he strives to fix a ­”malfunctioning” business model.

Charging people to look at the online Sun?

Yeah… good luck with that Rupert.

Oh… oh my.

Asking people to pay for things they already get for free? The fact that people still buy this shit, especially in Ireland, makes my stomach ulcer spit. Why would anyone in their right mind pay for the content on The Sun when there are thousands of lying celeb gossip blogs, free boobs everywhere, half baked political commentary from EVERYONE with a keyboard and all the xenophobic Youtube comments you could ever want, for free already?

Bad Ad Emporium

Fairy Dishwashing Tablets:

“Unfortunately you can’t get your scooter in”.

Somehow Fairy thought the sight of a clearly mentally retarded child trying to force his scooter into a dishwasher would make all the mums in Britain and Ireland collectively “aaaaaawwwwwwweeeee”, then go out and buy the bloody things when, in fact, it was more likely to illicit donations for Down Syndrome Ireland.

What were they thinking? That this shit was endearing? The oh so toothsome Mum at the end smiling wanly at her offsprings monkeyshines when, in reality, she was more likely to break down crying that she couldn’t stop smoking when she was pregnant.

Boots: Pill Swallowing

There are a few things, believe it or not, that I find quite difficult to do. Algebra for example, I just can’t do it. It completely escapes me. Another one, understanding how metal boats float? They’re made of metal! How are they not sinking?!

However, as dumbshit as those mental deficiencies may sound, I can at least hold onto one thing; a rock, if you would, in the ocean of mediocrity I currently find myself adrift in. I can swallow a fucking pill without gurning at the mirror like I was gulping down a 14-inch cock.

This ad raises numerous questions. Is this I-can’t-swallow-this-pill-because-I’m-a-dainty-precious-flower shit supposed to be cute? How do these girls eat? Do I have a 14-inch cock?

The answers to those questions are, in order, I suppose so, they don’t and they call me the Cockan the Barballsian. It’s that fucking big. [A further paragraph detailing my sexual prowess and detailing my genitalia in exact detail has been removed for space reasons. Email me for details]

Clearasil: May Cause Confidence/Rape Part 2

All right, first of all, I am well aware that I did these ads last month. And again, I too thought that I was done with them but then… then they upped the ante. The scene is laid out thusly, a flustered looking professor stumbles over a sentence in a half full class of college students. Then, like a flash, our hero stands up and, with the glare of the room on him, demands that said professor imagines him naked before turning to the clearly terrified girl next to him, whom he also demands to imagine him naked.

The idea of the ad, again, is based on the idea that, thanks to Clearasil, this previously shy boy’s inner douche was revealed to the world. The implication here is that everybody with acne is a mere wash of his or her face away from becoming a fucking Alpha Level shithead. Fuck. Off. Oh, and if you’re having trouble with this last bit you should go ahead and imagine me naked. Yeah, it’s that big.

That Tops It

Someone just found their way to The Abyss with the search term “nice dick”.

Hope it wasn’t a let down!

Although considering that you were probably shown this –

Not sure where all the dick detail came from. I blacked out for 5 minutes and there it was.

This is patently not a nice dick. In my opinion.

– it probably was a let down.

Sorry.

This tops the previous all time best search term “fucking gnus”.

Update: Someone just arrived with the term “14 inch huge cocks”. I give up.